Random Prayer of Randomness

I will just randomly write right now.

I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am doing...

Write write write.

Nothingness.

I feel that I have veered from the path. Bring me home again?

I long to know who I am, what I am here for and what I can do with this life I have been given.

Thankyou God! I long to know you better and know what you're aim in my life is. That I feel will fill me.

Then I will be whole.

But am I whole now? That's what people say. Am I to believe this? I feel something is missing:

you.

I have to make room for you in my life. How when there is a gulf between us, shall I make room for you to fill in.

Maybe if I give an inch, you will take a mile. That's what I would like from God.

Not from man.

When God takes a mile, miracles happen, when man takes a mile, miracles are needed to restore what was lost as a result.

I pray: hear me: come and make of my life what you will, not my will: yours.

Thankyou God! Amen!

Oneness & Self-Esteem

Thoughts on Self-Esteem & Self Worth

My understanding is that we all have Self-Esteem, but it may be low, high or anywhere between. However, if our self-esteem does not depend on outward things, but instead relies on our knowledge of our inherent worth, it can neither be taken away, nor added to (because it is full and complete). Once one has an awareness of ones' inherent worth, one has high self esteem.

There are components of self esteem which can be measured, but our inherent worth cannot be measured, because it is such a high value that it cannot be added to nor subtracted from. No matter what anyone says or does to you you or thinks of you - it cannot steal your self esteem, self worth or inherent value. It can only lead you to see yourself one way or another and it depends somewhat on the level at which one can introspect and how one can view oneself.

If you see your inherent worth, value yourself, treat yourself kindly and are never hard on yourself, can introspect deeply and know that what others say about you that is negative is not who you really are, then you could be said to be immune to the thoughts and follies of others.

I have not clearly defined these things here, but I do have an awareness of them.

I know that I have made mistakes in life and this does not subtract any value from my pool of value. I have done some lovely things in life and this does not add to my value, because my value is whole and complete - just as I am whole and complete. I am not hard on myself, because I know what it has taken for me to learn what I now know and I know I can only do my best in life and I expect nothing less from myself, but if or when I fail at something, it doesn't affect how I feel about myself - it just reminds me that I'm still learning and I take on board the lessons and move forward with my life.

I love to learn. I love making mistakes. I feel that if I'm not making mistakes, I'm not learning. However, there are ways of making it easier on myself, such as by learning from the mistakes of others... and this does not involve any snideness whatsoever. I know that just as when I make mistakes I am learning, others likewise learn too. Furthermore, they can learn from MY mistakes, which is wonderful. It goes full circle.

All of us have value. All of us have equal value, despite rank, race, gender, ability, honours, education level, social pecking order, things, abstract concepts that encapsulate us, the thoughts of ourselves about ourselves, the thoughts about us from others, the lack of thought of others (and at times even ourselves). Nobody is more valuable because they are smarter or faster or leaner or wiser or nastier or kinder. We all have the highest possible inherent value. Even if or when we have made mistakes. Perhaps even, especially in these times. I'm not saying the value goes up or down. It occupies all space and time - and goes beyond both. For each of us. If you want to imagine it as some number, figure or numeric or abstract concept. The only way to describe the value of each and every individual and every being in existence is that the value is complete and full.

You could round it down or up to the value of one. What I mean by this is we are all one. All things come up to the value of one. Even in other dimensions.

These are just my thoughts on it... I'm not saying this is the status quo or the official information on the topic. These are merely my thoughts.

As one who does not ascribe to labels, nor do I allow them to stick, I prefer to think of things in terms of oneness. Wholeness. Fullness.

I hope you have a great day and an awesome life! Feel free to drop a comment or your thoughts, ideas etc. about this concept in the comment section below. It would really make my day to hear from you. Thanks in advance. Thank you also for reading this far. 

:D

Writing the thoughts of a person facing Schizophrenia

Tumbling fumbling rumbling and rolling, trolling and calling.

I don't know what to say and it's quite alright.

Sometimes we don't have anything to say and nobody need force anything out.

It's ok not to have a freef-lowing consciousness at all times.

Sometimes consciousness is still and aware, but unable to speak.

That's ok and It's not a sign of weakness.

I'm just rumbling into a state of talk... I'm able to speak... I'm able to express myself now... just rising up... just coming to the front of my mind now, where all is clear and words make form... maybe these words don't occupy this space, but they seem to, they seem to fit well here in this nook.

Once filtered out they come. One by one. Two by two. Three by three until complete sentences are formed.

I hope that I am making some sense. This appears to be very self-conscious. That is not what we're aiming for here...

We're aiming for pure and pristine thought that makes sense...

Well, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow.

Here goes:

Done.

Rumbling Ramblings

If you are reading this, you are about to be shocked. Well, perhaps not really. You might be in for a boring time. I'm simply writing for the sake of writing, for the sake of getting my thoughts and ideas out of my head. It is sort of like a Journal, although perhaps not as personal as a journal could or should be. I am only going to share that which I feel comfortable sharing (granted I don't have much of a filter, but what I do have is pretty strong). I've been wanting to write for the mere sake of writing for ever too long.

I'm feeling frustrated with everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I mean, I'm on a D.S.P. I'm both grateful for it and frustrated that I am still in this position, relying on the government for survival. If I was well enough, I'd work. I have had wavering health for some time. Both in terms of physical health AND mental health. I'm still ever hopeful that things will continue to improve. I believe in a sense that they already have. 

There are so many things which I would love to write about, so many opportunities in a day to get some good material for writing, yet so little of the time am I organised enough to do so. I feel like asking people to slow down in their conversations so that I can write everything down that they are saying. These people are brilliant geniuses and I don't think they even know it. Who am I talking about? The random randoms you see everywhere.

You might even be a genius and not know it. Or you might know it, but you keep it as a firmly held secret from those living in 'the real world' where everything is practical, a thing has a place and no other place will do, logic prevails over feeling and where women still don't get equal pay for equal work. That obviously isn't the world I am living in. I mean this, not in the sense that I am having a break from reality, but more in the sense that I choose not to acknowledge that reality - and instead opt for another.

My reality is more peaceful, idealistic and loving. I see a world where babies are born every day (rather than focusing, as I once upon a time would on those children being bombed by America, etc.), a world where puppies, kittens and butterflies exist. Fluffy bunnies run rampant and wild around on the greenest of pastures, in my own backyard. Only my backyard is very small (at least I have one and I'm grateful), but it is no pasture. Still I look forward with hope to such a time as I may get to live closer to nature and further from the influence and stench of the city.

Who am I kidding? I'm VERY fortunate. I need to stay ever grateful for the good things that come my way. I just feel that there is this great dichotomy in life. There is up and there is down. There is falling and there is rising. There is lifting and being lifted. There is left and right. Right and wrong. Wrong and even wronger. There is Sun and moon, neither comparable: one a great gas giant, the other somewhat solid. Both may contain water. Why not? Earth does. Doesn't earth have enough water to share? Recently they discovered reservoirs of water deep beneath the crust. Thousands or maybe hundreds of thousands of kilometres down. How far exactly, I do not know.

What is my point? I don't know. I'm rambling. Fumbling for words. Grasping for them, then they slip away like a snake recoiling into it's hole. Words evade me like a trooper evades the sniper, trembling with fear at what I might do to them: butcher the English language.

Recently I went to write a letter to a manufacturer of espresso machines in Italy. I thought it right to write him/her in their native language: Italiano. I feel that I did the language sorely. I did not only butcher it, but I tortured it first. I tormented them with half-decent italian, before sliding into a slow descent of thunderous failure. I don't know what thunderous failure is. I just made that up. I've heard a lot of writers do that: invent things of a verbal nature. What more is there to do other than compile sentence upon sentence, combination upon combination and connect dots which aught otherwise not be connected.

I'm not quite done with my rumbling ramblings, but I would like to end it here. Done.

No apology.